It's Not About You
When I was about 16 years old I made the final cut for Les Miz on Broadway and Carrie in the West End. At that time, I absolutely loved musical theater! It was my intention to be on Broadway. You can imagine how excited 16-year-old me was about having her dreams almost come true!
I didn’t get either role. In the case of Carrie, I auditioned in the states and went for a final call back in London with Choreographer and Director Debbie Allen. I remember dancing; I was wearing a turtleneck sweater and Debbie Allen came over and grabbed it, pulled it off and said, “You’re tiny under here, why are you wearing this big thing?” An early indication of my hiding; my discomfort with my body and big boobs.
On my flight home, Debbie happened to be on the same plane. We chatted and she said she was rooting for me; she would really love for me to have the role. If you don’t know Debbie Allen, do a little research — she’s an incredible director (Grey’s Anatomy), Choreographer, Dancer, Actress whose studio in Los Angeles prides themselves on an over 95% rate of their dancers going to college.
Anyway, I didn’t get the role. Why? Because they cast Barbara Cook as the headliner for Carrie’s mother — she would be a big draw for tickets, audience members, and fans, so legally the next starring role had to go to a British actress, as their contract was for every British cast member, the next to be American, and so on and so forth.
It wasn’t about me.
For Les Mis, I made several cuts and the final addition was for Trevor Nunn in New York. I wasn’t allowed to go to the final call. He asked the casting agent my age, and when they said 16 or 17, he said “No. She’s too young, I will break her.”
They said, “She’s our favorite for the role,” and he again said, “No. I’m a tough director, and I’ll ruin her.”
Considering I was very green, I truly believe I would have been chewed up and spit out at that point in my life. Had I had a big success, I don’t know if I would have handled it well. I didn’t have the tools yet — on the other hand, I probably would’ve had an incredible time living what was my dream. But according to the Director, he’s pretty sure I would’ve hated it and he would’ve “ruined me.” So, I’m grateful, but at the time I wasn’t — I was devastated.
And many, many, years later, I came to find out that he did not cast anyone new for the role, but instead Bright Ebony in London to New York. Later, they married and had two children.
It wasn’t about me.
My goals and my purpose maybe understand some of it. Maybe I don’t understand some of it, because look what I am! Coaching others on Broadway and on tour, vocal producing in the recording studio, and absolutely loving it!
If we take every praise as greatness and every rejection as unworthiness or self-worth, we will be a yo-yo at the end of the string constantly in motion.
I think it’s really important to have passions and goal, and also to remember sometimes that a rejection can help you to learn, adjust, and grow. Don’t give up, and trust the process — that the world is taking you where you’re meant to be, where your dreams will be better than you can imagine. Some things we may never understand, some things we will learn the reason or the lesson down the line.
And remember — everything isn’t about you.