Money Money Money

Recently, I realized that I have two beliefs so ingrained in my subconscious mind, that I didn’t even know they were a part of me. 

I believe that if I had a flat stomach and a lot of wealth, my life would be better. I would be happy.

It sounds ridiculous when I say that a loud. I don’t consciously care about money and aesthetics like that. I’d probably call someone out for accusing me of thinking like that! But I know that I do, because I caught myself. I caught myself turning to the side in the mirror and checking out my belly + realize I have done this everyday f o r e v e r.

I see my partner’s beautiful pregnant body and think “there’s no way I could have handled my belly getting that big!” I catch myself thinking about my desire to have “real” money. The core of this is security: I want to feel safe and secure, something I have not felt for most of my life.   

As soon as I acknowledged my belief I knew it was false. A total lie.

I’m in love with someone like I’ve never loved anyone. I am loved by someone like I’ve never been loved. I am seen. I have friends I care about. I have an extremely rewarding career. I work with amazing artists and can contribute to their lives in a meaningful way.  I’m growing and challenging myself every day; both personally, and in business. Life has blessed me with a growing family. Because my life is so beautiful right now, and I do feel a sense of security like I’ve never had, which is what enabled me to see this old belief. 

My life is truly beautiful! I am so appreciative and happy.

I remember when I was young and very poor. That’s when I first learned gratitude. I had a freedom I’ve never had before - independence. I learned to cherish things, to appreciate “things” while embracing my emotional and personal autonomy.  Then I said: “OK God! I got the lesson of gratitude, I don’t need to be poor anymore.” But somehow, I still didn’t learn the bigger lesson-- the amount of money in the bank is not where happiness or security lies. I rationally know this truth, but the countering belief has been in my blood for a long time.

I’ve always had a grey relationship with money. I’ve had a grey relationship with many things in my life-- rarely black or white. Being raised in a household where I was not permitted to have boundaries deeply impacted my means of definition. No line in the sand, or if there is, it gets brushed away, crossed.

I also grew up seeing money used to create obligation, watched it come and go in large amounts, be chased after... all an education in money. I’m sure I didn’t understand all the ways I was being taught to relate to money.

I’ve never felt motivated by money. I am motivated by purpose and passion, by a desire to empower and connect people to each other - to have a positive impact on people and the world. Money also has to do with value and self-worth. I definitely experienced conflict/confusion about my self-worth. I can point to things I learned or experienced in my youth, but I’m a grown-up, and being a grown-up means making choices which are fulfilling and satisfying, relearning, letting go + choosing beliefs and behaviors. I practice loving and valuing myself, my time and my energy. 

Along this path of learning boundaries and aligning myself with my integrity, I learned a MONEY MEDITATION.

Here’s how it works: write down an allotted amount of money designated solely to spending on whatever you want to spend it on, and write what you would spend it on. Every day, double the amount! 

Day 1 $1000 _________________________________

Day 2 $2000 _________________________________

Day 3 $4000 _________________________________

Day 4 $8000 _________________________________

And so on and so forth.

On the right hand side, write down how you would spend that money. As you can imagine, very quickly you get to $50,000; and $80,000; and $256K. 

Have you ever had $256,000 to SPEND on anything you want?!  What a fun and exciting proposition!

This meditation revealed a couple amazing things to me. 

First, anytime I’ve done it I’ve had an influx of money. Every time.

Secondly, it showed me WHAT I VALUE. The way I spend money. I took my mom on vacation (both on paper and in life), had scholarships for artists, started a company. Sure, I spent 9k on a clothing shopping spree, because I LOVE to express myself with clothing; but having expendable cash every day did not mean more stuff or more things-- it meant more dreams to manifest. More to share! The ability to employ others and make dreams come true for others.

I’m not driven by money, I’m driven by purpose and passion. Money allows me to experience my passions and fulfill my purpose. Money creates opportunities and brings additional challenges and responsibilities. It’s not the answer to everything or the meaning of life and gaining and keeping money is not equal playing field. That being said…TRY IT!

Try the wealth meditation— experience the JOY of spending, sharing, building, giving— and discover what matters to you. How would you spend/share your money? 

Post, share + tag me! I love to hear what you experience.